


You'll Have Had Your Alternate Reality

by JohnAmendAll



Category: You'll Have Had Your Tea (Radio Show)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Apocalypse, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - Emergency Services, Alternate Universe - Fairy Tale, Alternate Universe - Regency, Alternate Universe - School, Alternate Universe - Shapeshifters, Alternate Universe - Space, Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Alternate Universe - Western, Drabble Collection, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-23
Updated: 2017-09-23
Packaged: 2019-01-04 11:52:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12168354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnAmendAll/pseuds/JohnAmendAll
Summary: Hamish and Dougal in ten alternative universes.





	1. Wild West

**Author's Note:**

> From a Dreamwidth meme: Given a character / pairing, write snippets of ten specified alternate universes for it.
> 
> [DaibhidC](http://archiveofourown.org/users/DaibhidC/) prompted for Hamish and Dougal.

"And as I open this old, battered chest," Dougal proclaimed, "You can see — behold! — the Lost Golden Treasure of the Sierra McBlanco." 

Hamish shook his head. "We can all see what it is. Why d'ye have to tell us?" 

"Well, it doesnae do any harm." 

The Laird held up his hands for silence. "In view of your efforts to retrieve my family's lost treasure, I am going to treat you all..." 

"Och, that's very generous, your Lairdship," Hamish interjected. 

"...To a little number I call 'the Ballad of the Last Chance Saloon.'" He turned to the pianist. "Hit it, maestro."


	2. Coffee Shop

"A little more to your left," the Laird said. "Now lower away... splendid. That's the last of the tables." 

"That just leaves the cash register, then," Dougal said, wiping his forehead. 

"Quite. As soon as that's hooked up, I'll sell you the inaugural drinks. After all, you'll be wanting your tea, won't you?" 

Hamish shook his head. "I never thought I'd see the day you were turning the old timber barn into a café." 

"Refreshments are very important when you're trying to build a tourist trap," the Laird said sententiously. "Though not quite as important as the actual traps, obviously."


	3. Shapeshifters

"Dougal," Hamish said slowly. "The day before Big Tam first saw the werewolf, that's when I got prescribed these pills." He handed Dougal a bottle. "D'you suppose there's a connection?" 

Dougal peered at the microscopic print. "No, it's just the normal stuff. 'May cause drowsiness. Do not drive or operate heavy machinery. Avoid the moor in those hours of darkness when the powers of evil are exalted.'" He turned the bottle over in his hands. "Nothing about the full moon at all." 

"That's taken a weight off my mind." 

"Hmm. Hamish, why'd they prescribe you pills for canine distemper, anyway?"


	4. Fantasy / Fairy Tale

"So you say you know what's going on?" Hamish said. 

The young woman put her hands on her hips. "Your Laird's enchanted by the fairies, and every night he goes into the hill and dances with them. That's why he's always so tired in the mornings." 

"And you think you can save him?" 

"I've got it all planned out." The girl held up a bag. "I've got my walnuts all ready." 

Dougal shook his head. "Things've been much quieter round here since your fairies took an interest in his lairdship. Best if you leave things as they are, Miss Crackernuts."


	5. ... In SPACE!

"Sure I can't tempt to stay any longer?" Captain McCoist asked. 

Captain Rorvik shook his head. "Thanks, but I've got to get back to my ship. Bunch of shirking reprobates." 

He continued in the same vein as Captain McCoist accompanied him to the airlock. "Aldo and Royce," he concluded. "I defy you to produce two lazier crewmen." 

The airlock door closed behind him. 

"Do you now?" Captain McCoist mused. He raised his voice. "Right, you two, where are you?" 

"Ah, your captainship," Hamish said, emerging from a hatch. "You'll have had your substance almost but not quite entirely unlike tea?"


	6. Apocalypse

"What's that out there beyond the dunes?" Ms Wedge asked. 

"Oh, that's the Lost Land," the Laird said. "It used to be rich and fertile until someone left the sluices open one high tide, and the whole lot flooded." 

"Ha! What a charming local legend. I'm sure none of you would do anything so daft." 

"I keep a sharp eye on my sluices," Dougal said. "Don't you, Hamish?" 

"Er, aye." As the Laird and his guest turned away, Hamish lowered his voice. "And where were you that night, anyway?" 

"The important thing," Dougal whispered back, "is nobody's ever wondered that."


	7. Schoolfic

"A wee birdie says you're walking oot with Kirsty McWirsty," Dougal said, nudging his friend. 

"Your birdie," Hamish replied proudly, "is right on the money. She's asked me to go down the glen with her." 

"The saucy wee minx! Has she no shame?" 

"And there's more." 

"I expect there is." 

"She's promised to pay for us to have a slap- up..." 

"Is that what they're calling it these days?" 

"A slap- up cup of coffee at Mrs McAllister's tearoom. Now that's not to be sneezed at." 

"Not if you want the cups to stay on the saucers, no," Dougal admitted.


	8. Police/Firefighters/Medical/any other emergency service I can think of

"I thought I'd told you two about playing around with ropes," Mrs Naughtie said. "After that time with the inflatable badger." 

"Don't be alarmed," Hamish reassured her. "This time we're signed up with the Mountain Rescue." 

"And we've just been called into action," Dougal added. "To head up the mountain in the very teeth of a force eleven gale." 

Mrs Naughtie shook her head. "That's a pity. I've just taken the shortbread out of the oven." 

"Then the mountain'll have to wait," Hamish said firmly. 

"Quite right," Dougal said. "We'll be no good to anyone until we've had our tea."


	9. Supernatural

"Dougal," Hamish said, strapping the proton pack onto his back, "why do I get a bad feeling about this?" 

"Because you've got the straps the wrong way round?" Dougal reached round and tried to restore order to the tangled webbing. "Is that better?" 

"It's not the straps that are bothering me." 

"They'd be bothering me if I was wearing them like that." 

"No, no, no. It's this ghost hunting business. Having to go up to the Big Hoose to deal with some murderous ghoul." 

Dougal shrugged. "Call the Laird what you like, he's one paying us to hunt the ghosts."


	10. Regency

The curricle trundled in a suitably slow and dignified manner up the glen. Hamish, resplendent in his gilded coronet and padded robes, waved graciously to the cheering crowd. 

"And so everybody gets to see the Prince Regent after all," Mrs Naughtie said. "Och, Mr Dougal, I declare you've thought of everything." 

"Well, not everything." Dougal was looking out of the other side of the curricle, back down the glen. "I didn't think of what we'd do if it turned out the real Prince Regent felt better after all, and was coming up the glen right now to see his Lairdship."


End file.
